Two steps forward, One step back.....

I wonder what would happen if everyone who's in a hard circumstance say saying one step forward two steps back  as TWO steps forward ONE step back.....never settling for the defeat of the orginal saying. Face it, with the orginal saying, you're getting no where and fast. But the latter saying.....

You're getting places, slowly, but you are moving forward and not in reverse.

We have a home ministry called Outreach of Hope Ministries. We host home group church meetings in eachother's homes ( till we get a more central public place like a store front maybe), we minister to those who have hit rock bottom, those who are sick, those who are just searching for more. God has us serve others as Christ came to serve.

A few days ago ( on Sunday), we met at a newly started 'coffee shop church' ( i find that so funny seeing that coffee seems to be the main 'dish' of all our our meetings) instead of our home. This new church ( Element 3) is out of Tallahassee Florida and felt God saying it was time to expand. So we went to show our support, and of course the coffee ;-)

Now Justin is used to everyone in the ministry now, he hardly ever has issues now and all the other children with in the ministry know how to react to and with him should problems accurr. I honestly didn't think about the fact this was going to be 'different' for Justin, something new, with more people, different people, a little cramped in some ways and prossibly even louder than we are at home. I felt so horrible for him!

We go there early which is great. We are either VERY early or we're showing up a little late and unorganized. But this time we got there early and Justin was okay, talking to those who spoke to him first. Grant it was very off topic but the fact that he was talking to the other ministers at all is a plus in my book.....

Our Two steps forward!

Well more poeple come pouring in, the shop kept getting smaller and smaller it seemed. And I started noticing Justin's hands were starting to stay in his pockets and he's looking a bit zombie like, almost scared. Well we go to find our seats and get our coffee ( haha i love that, drinking coffee while enjoing the presence of Jesus and praising His name-makes me wonder, Did Jesus have a cup of joe from time to time? ) and Justin is practicly attached to my hip and will not leave my 'touch'. I don't think he would have minded at this point if I picked him up and sat him on my hip at 9 yrs old. My baby boy is about to panic I do believe.

I asked Justin if he was okay and he didn't say a word, just shifted his eyes to mine. He didn't even nod his head yes or no to me and his hands were still in his pockets. I asked him if he was getting nervous, and as soon as the last word left my mouth he nodded yes and took his left hand out of his pocket and began to twist his hair and this new thing he's started....sucking in his cheecks to bite on them, not chew, just hold the inside of his cheecks bewteen his teeth.

So I back up against the wall in the chair, I was sitting sideways with the back of the chair under my arm and my back against wall, and motioned for Justin to come sit on the chair between my legs. I knew if I could make him feel at ease I could head off a melt down, but he's too big to actualy sit on my lap so we shared the chair and I held him. Only he wouldn't sit back up against me this time, he went forward and laid on the table in front of him. And got as still as a statue, not singing, not clapping, nothing.....

This is very odd for me to see. We just attended a hugh 2 day event of concerts for a local ministry called Inside Out Nation. And Justin got some freedom while there! He praised and worshiped and DANCED! He even went upfront in front of everyone and took pictures, and we were AT the stage! He was just amazing that weekend. So for this to happen was nothing short of disturbing for this mama's heart.

Our One step back.....

The entire time, I had to rub Justin's back, I sang the songs to him, hugged him often and eventualy he sank closer to me and I ened up holding him with him laying on my arm then table. The moment the pastor ened, Justin made a B-line for the door. Once he was outside away from everyone he was back to normal, only he kept his hands in his pockets for a while longer.


Its times like during Inside Out that I see the progress and my heart is flooded with joy! Its times like Sunday that make me question so many things. Should I have pushed him to come? Did I really see him get freedom that weekend? Will Justin ever be able to break free forever? Are we regressing now? Am I doing right by my son?

I know he has these problems that are so over whelming for him that things like this happen. But I can't allow him to stay in that fear his whole life. I know this will never go away, but I can't help but say "But I have to try".....I push Justin cause every now and then we get a breakthrough, even if for just a short amount of time, we get a breakthrough.

I can promise Justin this, no matter what I ask of him, I will never him to do it on his own. I will always be there for him and the moment it goes from uncomfortable to detrimental, we're outa there. I promise to encourage him to push his limits all the while I will be there by his side to help him through it. I promise to rejoice with him in success, so extend my hand when he falls, to pick him up and encourage him to try again.

Thats a lot like the promise God has made us. when Jesus left this earth to sit at the right hand of God He didn't leave us on our own, He left us with the Holy Spirit to guide and encourage us, to always be there in good times and bad.

I will leave you with this for now. Thank you again for reading, God Bless You!

May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

~~Abbey